Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
