Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
