I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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