What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
