it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
