____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize