Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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