you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize