sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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