I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
