I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
