Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
