You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
