I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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