Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
