Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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