My sheets look like a crime scene.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
