He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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