I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
