Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
