mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize