my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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