So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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