new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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