Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
