I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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