you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
