You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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