I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Randomize
