I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
