Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
