It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
