Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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