I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
