My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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