I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I did not marry a roomba.
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