now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
