I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize