Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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