If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
