I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
