remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
