dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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