He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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