Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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