You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
