I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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