he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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