Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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