Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
