I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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