Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
