I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm getting married
To pizza
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
