Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize