We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
