i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
