oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
