I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
