I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
