OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize