I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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