i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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