Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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