I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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