Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
