Screwed.edu
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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