She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
