Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
