im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
