Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize