I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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