Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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