so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
